Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
