my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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