i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
