I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
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Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me