so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.