Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.