i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
