captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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