I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
