i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
