Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
