If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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