either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
