There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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