Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
