i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
