so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
