I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
