Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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