so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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