she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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