did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
