I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
