3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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