im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
