is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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