I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We are two peas in an std pod
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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