ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
