that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
