I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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