i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
