I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
