wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
