how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
