: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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