I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
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Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
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Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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