You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize