At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
