eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
