apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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