I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
