I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
