Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
