i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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