remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
