i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
