Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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