Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
being pregnant is like rehab
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
