Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
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I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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