I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
