If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
