Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
