im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
