My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize