My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
