Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
