my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
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And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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