hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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