when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
